[Two Pronged] I was caught two-timing; now he won't talk to me
Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I was in a 3 year relationship with “Gary” when I met “Vico,” who is 10 years my junior. I ended my relationship with Gary. Vico was jobless so I provided for us.
I was close to his family, so I continued my relationship with Gary – helping him when he needs me. I pity Gary so much. I couldn't just leave – but there was no sex, no dates.
I hid this from Vico. I wanted marriage but that’s really not Vico’s priority. He got a job but far away, giving me gifts and financial help when needed.
Dami ko hesitations with Vico, but I can’t leave him. He loves me; and me, him. but my future with him is so unclear. I don’t want him to get hurt if I leave him.
Vico found out I still had a relationship with Gary. He saw pictures on my social media.
He was hurt, I know. It’s him, only him. My body, my heart and all. I swear. He couldn’t trust me anymore. I did everything to reach out to him but no avail. I don’t want him to feel that way. I had a chance to chat with him and he allowed me to say what I wanted to say.
He didn't say anything bad against me, the last words he said was he is not mad anymore but he wanted me to stop chasing him and just live my life. Then that’s it. I was totally blocked from communicating him. Everyday I send him an email but he doesn’t open it.
I want to apologize in person, to see him for the last time. I hurt the kindest person I met. I hurt the person who I love. He doesn’t deserve that kind of pain and lies.
I don’t know if it’s still okay to meet him in person. I know its not the right time yet. I’m so selfish; so selfish.
I wish I could turn back time and make things right. I’m so down and sad. I messed up. Why am I like this?
Why did he just left me and never gave me a chance to explain in person? Why he can't forgive me? Why his love for me can't listen to my side? Is it because pride and pain are more important than love? Am I really a bad person?
I suspect it is time for a reality check. Your email is convoluted but your story is really very straightforward – you remained secretly still in touch with Gary; your new boyfriend Vico discovered you had lied to him “big time," he left you, you want to redeem yourself, he isn’t interested.
In other words, you wanted to have your cake and eat it – a nice comfortable relationship with your ex, and an exciting new relationship with a younger man. Now, if your relationship with your ex was truly innocent, why did you keep it secret from your new boyfriend? If it is not innocent, surely Vico is entitled to cut and run.
Now Vico has blocked you completely so you cannot explain why you kept Gary a secret nor will he give you a chance to resuscitate your relationship with him. You confess your selfishness yet appear oblivious to the fact that your self-centeredness is unchanged when you ask: “Why he can't forgive me? Why his love for me can't listen to my side? Is it because pride and pain are more important than love ?”
If you analyze your situation, you may find that 90% or more of the problems were of your own making. This relationship with Vico seems like a lost cause but the experience should be useful next time round though only should you choose to learn from it.
All the best,
Thank you very much for your letter. You say you want to fix things with Vico, but before you do that, you need to fix a few things about yourself.
Example 1: You: "it’s not the right time yet. I’m so selfish; so selfish.”
Voice of Reason (VOR): Admitting you are selfish means nothing if you do not follow it with action. You haven’t. You complain bitterly about Vico’s behavior yet seem unable to ask if betraying him contributed to his refusal to see you again. You yourself said: “He doesn’t deserve that kind of pain and lies.” Lies you knowingly inflicted on him, giving no guarantee you would not do it again should it suit you.
Example 2: You have the temerity to ask: “Why he can't forgive me? Why his love for me can't listen to my side?
VOR: You yourself said: “I had a chance to chat with him and he allowed me to say what I wanted to say.” There you go, lying again. You had your chance, you blew it. And yet you self righteously wonder why Vico won’t give you yet another chance?
Example 3: Is it because pride and pain are more important than love?”
VOR: It’s called self respect. Einstein was purported to have said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again (like forgiving you) and expecting a different result.” How can someone trust you when you give the same reason for not leaving two different men?
Of Gary: “I pity Gary so much. I can’t just leave him”
Of Vico: “I can’t leave him. He loves me; and me, him but my future with him is so unclear. I don’t want him to get hurt if I leave him.”
Is this what you hope to tell Vico to explain your infidelity? It won’t fly, Maribel. So, does that mean another lie? Does that mean Einstein will prove to be a genius not just in theoretical physics but in human relationships as well?
It’s all up to you, Maribel.
Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.