[Two Pronged] I'm attracted to older women. Is that OK?
Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I would like to know if it is normal (or not) that I get attracted so quickly to mature women (ages 50-65) and I also enjoy being with them rather than women my age or younger.
I am 27 years old.
My other problem is that when I am making love to a mature woman, my penis erects so quickly but when I try and make love to women my age or younger my penis doesn’t erect. What is wrong with me?
Thank you for your email.
Perhaps the first thing to consider is what you mean by normal and why normality is so important to you. In this context, normal seems to mean conforming to the most common behavior. Conformity is most easily embraced when it costs nothing, when it embodies what the individual aspires to anyway, or it can mean simply following the path of least resistance and going with the flow. It is more of a problem when it runs counter to deeply held beliefs or views, often involving sexual behavior or religion — being gay in a homophobic family or wanting to leaving a church knowing that if you do so you will be cut off from your family.
Compared to these situations, your relationships with older women are of a lesser order but still you worry about being normal. Perhaps you should spend time analyzing this preoccupation with being like everyone else.
Why do you feel this way? What pressures are being brought to bear on you? Of course, a desire for grandchildren or for an heir to a business is a little different to worries about what the neighbors might say but in the final analysis the choice can be stark — you pursue your own definition of happiness or you accept that someone else defines happiness for you.
As for your penis’s preference for mature women rather than young ones, maybe this is your body’s way of simply telling you to choose your own happiness. Think of when you see the dining room table covered with your favorite dishes. You salivate. Then compare your reaction when the dishes are your least favorite. You don’t.
Here, your penis is giving you a strong indication of where your preference lies, so why try to fight it?
All the best,
P.S. You may like to cast your eye over In Praise of Older Women by Stephen Vizinczey (book 1966 and film 1978)
First of all, on behalf of women close to their seventies, thank you for being even better than an anti-depressant. Many women my age — or even in their forties — complain that once they reached the big 4 (0) they become invisible to society at large, and especially to men.
Nowhere is this shown more clearly, imaginatively, and unforgettably (because sooo funny!!) than in the show Inside Amy Schumer which did a skit called "Your Last F*ckable Day."
In it, Amy stumbles upon the gorgeous, talented Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Patricia Arquette sitting celebrating Louis-Dreyfus' "last f*ckable day."
Louis-Dreyfus explains that, "In every actress's life, the media decides when you've finally reached the point where you're not believably f*ckable anymore.'
Fey adds, "You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks' love interest in Punch Line and then, like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom in Forrest Gump?" They also joke about auditioning for the role of Mrs. Claus, with all of them being passed over for J.Lo.
J.Lo, who was feted everywhere, and here, and here for no other reason than that she still looked, well, fuckable even at 49! Don’t get me wrong. There are articles in scientific journals encouraging sex among seniors, but these are few and far between. Most articles in said journals focus instead on how younger men prey on and victimize older women because they are too weak cognitively and/or physically to prevent any sexual assault.
SO…can you imagine how rare you are, Jon? There is absolutely nothing in the scientific literature that says you are sick or need to change. My suggestion is, enjoy where you’re at, please give as much pleasure (even ecstasy) to as many women as you can (as long as they allow).
I hope the sort of carefree sex older women (and/or other women) now enjoy with you will last a long time but even if it doesn’t, hey didn’t William Wordsworth say:
“Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind”
...and Margarita Holmes could not agree more.
Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.